Just a bunch of complaints, really

I’ve had a bit of a rough week.

There are times when living alone really gets to me.  The pressures of maintaining a house and a yard and fixing all of the things that go wrong….sometimes they overwhelm me.  It’s not necessarily the amount of work – it’s more that I don’t know how to do even half of it and the thought of figuring it all out and bumbling around overwhelms me.  I’m that girl who freaks out when she doesn’t know the protocol.  I’m that girl who is absolutely and insanely afraid of looking dumb.  Neither of those things makes it all that easy to figure out the essentials of maintaining a yard and/or house.  Sometimes, I just really want someone to take care of it for me.  Sometimes I NEED someone to just take care of something for me – it just doesn’t happen.

Let me back up to last Thursday when the small group of people at work who were  interested in getting a cohort together for a Master’s program found there weren’t enough people interested.  To make a long story short, it was going to occur in a neighboring town.  That town didn’t have enough people interested.  The real question was did the two towns combined have enough – a question the university didn’t seem interested in as they wanted to shuttle us off to another town (which doesn’t work for me).  So the group of coworkers and I are standing there with this reality and I have a meeting to get to so I ask if they’re interested in working to make it happen…. everyone said yes.  Then I ran off to my meeting.

What happened after that?  Nothing.  Did anyone make any phone calls?  Nope.  It’s been a recurring theme at work this year that, if I don’t do something, it simply doesn’t get done.  I would have needed  a lot of help and a lot of buy in to make the cohort happen.  No one else lifted a finger except to ask me if I’d made any progress.  I’d never offered to take it on, they just assumed.

Friday we had a teacher’s institute.  I’m sitting with my department and, true to form…. very few people in the audience are listening.  I believe in free education – which most institutes are.  This topic is of enough interest to my school board and administrators that they’ve sent me to numerous conferences and they’ve had a total of two full-day institutes on the subject.  I snapped at a couple of members of my department to not talk to me because I’m trying to pay attention – which didn’t really annoy anyone because they knew I was paying attention and at least one of us would know what needed to get done when they gave us time to work.  This is how it always is.  They sit there and chit chat and surf the web on their iPads because they’re not interested in the topic.  NEITHER AM I.  But I pay attention because I’m a freaking professional and I’m being paid to pay attention.

Toward the afternoon I snapped.  The instructions the speaker were giving were unclear and confusing, I had to tell my department TWICE to keep it down because I couldn’t hear and I didn’t know what we needed to do…. and they kept talking.

I switched tables.  I literally got up and walked to another table.  I left them there.  No one knew what they were doing and they didn’t have a clue how to help me so I would have done all of the work anyway.  So I went to another table, helped out that department and – when the speaker began calling on random tables to present their work….. THAT WAS THE ONLY TIME MY DEPARTMENT LOOKED TO SEE WHERE I WAS.  They didn’t care until I wasn’t there to save their asses.

Then the weekend hit and I had a bunch of yard work to do in order to get my lawn in order from the winter… AND I had a ton of housework to do because I was trying to deep clean for Mother’s Day when my family would come over for brunch.  I haven’t been cleaning properly because I’ve been a lazy, depressed hag for months and so this was a much needed cleaning but it took a lot of time and energy.

Monday my department is giving me the cold shoulder because they think I was a total bitch on Friday.  Fine by me.  I came home Monday night and continued to struggle with the lawn.  The sink my washing machine drains into clogged and backed up so I had a really fun and nasty mess there to figure out.  And then I sliced open my thumb doing something son inane and stupid I won’t even tell the story to very many people.  But my thumb was seriously slashed open.  As in, it put a halt to the rest of my plans for Monday.

Tuesday night I went to take a bath and the nob broke.  I took it apart and I definitely have to purchase a new one but that did me no good because I needed to shave my legs and my thumb can’t get wet.  Shaving the legs didn’t happen because I threw a hissy fit and refused to try to work the pliers to turn the metal rod with a gimpy thumb.

Blah blah blah.  So much complaining… but it just seemed like everything was going wrong this past week.  So tired of having to deal with everything myself… and everyone expecting me to take care of everything.  And yeah… none of it is super big… it’s just constant at home and I seem to have made the same bed at work somehow.



Every Day is a Struggle

It’s been a long time since I’ve hated a job.

Just last year, I loved my job.  This year, I hate it.  Thanks, new boss!  Hating my job is stressful.  It’s been an incredibly long time since I’ve dreaded going in to work.  I’m the girl who arrives an hour early, remember?  And I still do… but the entire time I’m getting ready, I dread getting there.

My last post was about how much I dislike my new boss so I don’t want to let him monopolize this one as well but… this is what is going on in my life.  It impacts everything in my life.  I’m passionate about what I do and so, when someone screws with that, it really sets me back.  I have no energy when I come home.  So… I don’t work out.  What do I do instead?  Oh yeah, I eat.  That coping mechanism I’ve known since I was all of 3 years old rears its ugly head again.

To make matters more complicated, I’m having some issues with my gluteus medius.  It hurts a lot.  It hurts when I sit too long.  It hurts when I bend at the waist.  It hurts when I maneuver around in certain ways.  And obviously, this makes me want to work out less also.  Not working out leads to negative body imagine and weight gain.

Weight gain leads to me hating myself.  Ok, I don’t actually hate myself…. but I do hate my body right now.

I really need to do something about that.

At least the cookies are doing well

frankie1 f2 photo (32)

For the First Time

I’ve been working for a long time.

I was in the 8th grade when I got my first job and I’ve been working ever since.  For the most part, I’ve loved having a job.  When I was younger I loved the extra money and the independence it gave me (as well as the sense of importance).  As I got older I just liked meeting people and work is just one of those places where you meet people.  I’ve been an antique store clerk, a video/ice cream shop clerk, a waitress and a short order cook, a Subway sandwich artist, a telemarketer, a data entry person… I’ve worked Shopko, a grocery store, a speaker factory (literally the only job I’ve ever hated).  I’ve done hotel housekeeping, residence life at college and finally… teaching.

What never actually occurred to me until very recently is that I’ve been incredibly lucky.  I’ve had wonderful bosses this entire time.  I am a person to make the best of a situation so I’ve always tried to make work fun and enjoy what I’m doing but I’ve never had to suffer under a bad boss or even one I seriously disliked…. until now.

My old boss of 12 years retired at the end of last school year.  I’m happy for him.  I adore that guy and while he wasn’t perfect by any means, he was someone I could always count on to be as fair as he could and who would treat me with respect.  I never realized how much I took him for granted until this school year when he is no longer at my place of employment.

I started out the school year really liking my new boss.  He’s funny and seemingly easy going, a bit uptight about giving up any sort of decision making power but I figured it was just because he didn’t know me or my department and we would soon develop a good, working rapport.

Nope.  Things have only gone downhill since the beginning of the year.  Every week he does something which makes me furious.  It’s not about the amount of work he wants us to do (which is a ton) in what is, essentially a rough transition year for everyone involved due to new work demands in the first place.  It’s not the work.  I’m not afraid of hard work and I often make more work for myself by being a perfectionist and trying to improve every single year.  It’s his attitude.  He gets snippy.  He hates taking individual circumstances into consideration… something I was incredibly used to with my old boss.  If you approach him after something that has upset him (and you have no idea it’s happened) you can be prepared to get your head bitten off.  He is telling my department to focus on something which is impractical without first doing something else… and won’t take the time to look at what he’s telling us to focus on to understand why that is true.  He just keeps saying he doesn’t understand why it’s a problem while also saying he’s not overly familiar with the standards but it seems like it should be a simple thing.  

He doesn’t read emails.  He skims them.  He misses questions in emails or details in emails and he never responds to them.  Oh, but he also doesn’t want people pestering him in person.  We have a new boss who has new rules and new goals for all of us and he is, unfortunately, not interested in answering questions.  I asked a question just yesterday to make sure I understood what he wanted and instead of answering “yes” or “no” he went into an exasperated explanation of his logic behind his decision…. making me feel like an idiot because I wasn’t trying to question his logic.

At first I thought it was just me.  I had a really good relationship with my old boss and he and I had a lot of mutual trust and respect.  I thought maybe I was just taking the loss of “power and opinion” hard.  But no… there are grumbles all over the building.  He has apparently snapped at everyone for little reason.  He has apparently ignored most people’s questions or emails.  He apparently doesn’t care if he wastes everyone’s time as long as they don’t waste his.

It’s infuriating.

And the school secretary… who at the end of last year was barely even speaking to my old boss (long story involving personal affairs and whatnot) just said to me “I miss the professional relationship I had with <old boss>”.  

It’s good to know it’s not just me.  But I hate that this guy makes me dread going to work.  I hate that he’s taken something I love and tinged it with a negative vibe.  It seems like I can’t escape him, either.  He’s everywhere.  I cannot avoid talking to him every single day.  I try.  I look busy, I duck into a classroom when he’s coming.  Maybe I’m being overly obvious at this point but I cannot stand to talk to him anymore.

I once thought I would retire at the school I work for.

I now know that’s impossible and it makes me sad.

It isn’t so dark in here after all….

When I wrote my last post, I was feeling out of sorts.  Lots of changes going on, my friend, lots of changes… and from an individual whose main goal in life as a child/teen was “to be normal and stable” this is exactly the kind of thing which could send me into fits.

However, the opposite has happened.  I don’t want to go into too much detail as I’m perpetually worried about getting in trouble by writing about job-related things.  But… keeping that in mind, I’ve had a really good week.  I’ve had things occur which have made me feel wonderful about myself and my accomplishments within my profession.  People have come forward and said such wonderful things about me and I am forever in their debt.

Why?  Not only have they given me a personal pick-me-up when my personal morale had hit an all-time low… but they’ve made me look at my current situation in a whole new light.  I’m now seeing the positives of potentially leaving my current job for a new one.  I’m seeing the potential for really great things to happen.  I’m reminded by a post written by a blogging friend of mine.  She was running a race with her husband and she had started to slow down and he asked “Are you ok?”  She replied “Yes, but I’m going to run out of steam before the finish, I can’t keep this pace up.”  And he replied… “But what if you can?”

And she did.  She went on to finish having run the whole thing at a pace faster than she thought possible.

What if I really can have an improved work environment?  What if I really can get a number of things I have on my mental checklist of “I wish I could’s”?  What if leaving won’t find me miserable at a new job… but instead insanely happy?  What if, by leaving, I open myself up to the opportunities I didn’t realize I had?

So, to those people who have lifted me up and said such wonderful things… Again, thank you so much.  You’ve given me the boost I needed to change my emotional climate from fear to hope and excitement.  Thank you so much.