And here I thought I was kicking ass…

I know it’s been a while since I posted.  I have excuses.. allow me to list them.

Last week was crazy at work.  We had a big project in one of my classes, plus there was a school-wide project which culminated on Friday so things were crazy at work.  By the time I got home at night, put in my 1.5 hours of exercise, ate dinner, showered, gave the cats sufficient attention, and perused the job listings… I was beyond tired.

Plus… Monday night there was that whole… April Exercise challenge report that threw me into a bit of a funk.  I was fully expecting to be the top person on my team again… or at least CLOSE to the top person on my team.  I had 9.5 hours that I’d reported and when I got the reporting email… the top person on my team had done 18 hours.

Naturally, I immediately called them a liar.

I mean, I smoked the entire office the week before with 10.5 hours and someone comes out of nowhere with 18?  Excuse me?

I stewed over that, folks, and I’m not all that proud to admit it either.  Instead of focusing on my success in general, I was totally peeved at this person.  This person also beat me out this past week, but only by 1.25 hours.  I had 11 hours for last week and they evidently had 12.25.  Whatever.  The big picture here? My team is looking like we might be the winners!  I’ll take that… and maybe next year I can do something incredibly insane to be the overall winner.  I don’t know though, 18 hours in a week seems pretty steep.  If it were warmer and I was riding my bike… possibly.  I just don’t know.

So yeah, I got sidetracked and started with the negative thinking….which led to selfish thinking…which led to me being totally preoccupied with myself….which led to me spending senseless energy doing nothing but huffing and puffing and feeling angry.  Why did I let that happen?

I’m still kicking ass though… my own.  I have to keep reminding myself not to push it with the running.  I have begun googling to see if I can find other people who have the high heart rate problem I have and I’ve found a couple of threads that mention it… but nothing which gives it a medical name, and nothing that really gives much advice other than “do what it takes to keep your heart rate at 85% of maximum.”  You know… that would pretty much leave me “jogging” at a slower pace than I walk.  I am encouraged to see that others have this problem and they’re not all overweight… and they seem to be in various levels of physical fitness… so I’m going to keep researching and see what I can come up with…. because…. man… I had really forgotten how much it sucks when my heart rate jumps up into that 185 – 195 zone after about 2 minutes of jogging… and then trying to keep jogging.  It’s HARD.

Just keep moving forward, right?


It isn’t so dark in here after all….

When I wrote my last post, I was feeling out of sorts.  Lots of changes going on, my friend, lots of changes… and from an individual whose main goal in life as a child/teen was “to be normal and stable” this is exactly the kind of thing which could send me into fits.

However, the opposite has happened.  I don’t want to go into too much detail as I’m perpetually worried about getting in trouble by writing about job-related things.  But… keeping that in mind, I’ve had a really good week.  I’ve had things occur which have made me feel wonderful about myself and my accomplishments within my profession.  People have come forward and said such wonderful things about me and I am forever in their debt.

Why?  Not only have they given me a personal pick-me-up when my personal morale had hit an all-time low… but they’ve made me look at my current situation in a whole new light.  I’m now seeing the positives of potentially leaving my current job for a new one.  I’m seeing the potential for really great things to happen.  I’m reminded by a post written by a blogging friend of mine.  She was running a race with her husband and she had started to slow down and he asked “Are you ok?”  She replied “Yes, but I’m going to run out of steam before the finish, I can’t keep this pace up.”  And he replied… “But what if you can?”

And she did.  She went on to finish having run the whole thing at a pace faster than she thought possible.

What if I really can have an improved work environment?  What if I really can get a number of things I have on my mental checklist of “I wish I could’s”?  What if leaving won’t find me miserable at a new job… but instead insanely happy?  What if, by leaving, I open myself up to the opportunities I didn’t realize I had?

So, to those people who have lifted me up and said such wonderful things… Again, thank you so much.  You’ve given me the boost I needed to change my emotional climate from fear to hope and excitement.  Thank you so much.


Right Now, Life is Strange

My life really is sort of strange right now.  I feel as though I’m at some sort of major crossroads.

Let me sum up:

I’m angry with work.  Normally, I love my job.  I love my students, I love what I do and I accept most of the headaches of my job no problem.  However, recent events coupled with similar events which occurred a couple of years ago… well, they’ve got me in an uproar.  I’m so tired of working with a department which doesn’t care, does the bare minimum, and avoids taking responsibility at every turn.  I’m tired of doing everything for them, not getting a thank you and certainly not getting any consideration from them either.  And that is why I’m currently updating my resume.  After 11 years, I’m thinking of leaving my beloved school.  I can’t see myself continuing to work with these people.  I’ll take my chances elsewhere, with a pay cut.  I’ll start over.  I’m tired of getting screwed over and just suffering in silence.  I’m not going to do it anymore.

A relationship I put my heart and soul into has recently come to an end.  I so badly wanted it to work out.  I’ve never had such a connection with anyone.  Naturally, I had all these plans in my head involving the two of us.  It’s all gone now and I’m just left feeling sort of bereft, abandoned, and maybe even a little bit betrayed…by myself.  I’m sad the relationship has ended and I’m suddenly left looking at the other bits of my life and wondering if it’s worth trying to string them all together and piece things into a whole world again or just cut ties and start fresh…. most likely it would be something between the two.  It’s a feeling of things having ended and on top of this feeling, the work thing just adds to it.

And this possibly isn’t related, but I’ve started running again and it’s different this time.  I feel like my old self again.  I feel as though my mindset is finally correct.  I feel as though I’m back in the mentality I’ve wanted to be in for so long now.  That mentality?  It’s the one where I feel in control… control of myself and control of my life.  It’s empowering.  It’s making me feel more prepared to cut ties with my place of employment, possibly the town I live in… and maybe even sneak a peek through my eyelids at the potential for a new relationship.

Life is strange right now.  I’m the girl with a plan.  I rarely ever take my eyes off the future, planning for the future is my coping mechanism.  Right now though?  Right now I don’t know what the future holds, I cannot plan for the future and… I actually feel ok about it.