My life really is sort of strange right now. I feel as though I’m at some sort of major crossroads.
Let me sum up:
I’m angry with work. Normally, I love my job. I love my students, I love what I do and I accept most of the headaches of my job no problem. However, recent events coupled with similar events which occurred a couple of years ago… well, they’ve got me in an uproar. I’m so tired of working with a department which doesn’t care, does the bare minimum, and avoids taking responsibility at every turn. I’m tired of doing everything for them, not getting a thank you and certainly not getting any consideration from them either. And that is why I’m currently updating my resume. After 11 years, I’m thinking of leaving my beloved school. I can’t see myself continuing to work with these people. I’ll take my chances elsewhere, with a pay cut. I’ll start over. I’m tired of getting screwed over and just suffering in silence. I’m not going to do it anymore.
A relationship I put my heart and soul into has recently come to an end. I so badly wanted it to work out. I’ve never had such a connection with anyone. Naturally, I had all these plans in my head involving the two of us. It’s all gone now and I’m just left feeling sort of bereft, abandoned, and maybe even a little bit betrayed…by myself. I’m sad the relationship has ended and I’m suddenly left looking at the other bits of my life and wondering if it’s worth trying to string them all together and piece things into a whole world again or just cut ties and start fresh…. most likely it would be something between the two. It’s a feeling of things having ended and on top of this feeling, the work thing just adds to it.
And this possibly isn’t related, but I’ve started running again and it’s different this time. I feel like my old self again. I feel as though my mindset is finally correct. I feel as though I’m back in the mentality I’ve wanted to be in for so long now. That mentality? It’s the one where I feel in control… control of myself and control of my life. It’s empowering. It’s making me feel more prepared to cut ties with my place of employment, possibly the town I live in… and maybe even sneak a peek through my eyelids at the potential for a new relationship.
Life is strange right now. I’m the girl with a plan. I rarely ever take my eyes off the future, planning for the future is my coping mechanism. Right now though? Right now I don’t know what the future holds, I cannot plan for the future and… I actually feel ok about it.