Meh

I don’t have much to say.

This winter has been a bit on the brutal side (ok… a lot on the brutal side) and I’m still plugging away as best as I can.  Luckily, the light box seems to be doing its trick and I’m not horribly depressed.  Though seriously, I thought I might be headed that direction when I finally weighed in.

Ok – let me back up the train.  In one of my last two posts I was all “I’m staying away from sugar!!”  And then I babysat my nephew and the stupid candied popcorn I’d bought from my other nephew months earlier was delivered to me and I totally ate some.  I don’t know how many servings I actually ate that day/night but I do know the first thing I did when I got home was weigh out the servings so I knew exactly how much I was eating (seriously, buying a kitchen scale is marvelous).  There was a serious part of me that considered just eating the rest of the popcorn and moving forward.  You know, eating it all in one day.  HELLO SUGAR!  I didn’t do that.  I did, however, eat some when I got up in the middle of the night and (luckily maybe) I woke up with stomach flu and blamed it on that stupid popcorn and so I threw the rest of it away.

And that is why I hate candied popcorn now.  I’m happy.

Anyway,  I’d been doing the whole calorie counting and food logging thing on MFP for about two weeks before I finally had the courage to weigh myself.  But I finally did and was all like “ok, I can move on from here.”

And then I had a rather brutal week and I didn’t exercise but I was still confident I should have lost weight.  And when I weighed myself it would seem as though I had.  And here’s the thing…. I like to be a week behind in claiming my loss to be “official” – meaning I don’t put it into MFP until the next week.  Why?  Because I’m crazy and also scared of reporting something that isn’t true.

AND THE VERY NEXT DAY I WAS UP THE POUND IT SAID I HAD LOST.

So I chalked it up to a crazy scale the day before and figured I hadn’t lost any weight.  Which was sad for me.  It made me feel bad about myself and it made me lose a bit of willpower and motivation.  I did exercise a couple of times last week but nothing like I should have… because, you know… I was just sad.

And then I weighed myself today and I appear to be down two pounds.  Which is just freaking awesome. 😀  So now I’m happy.

But I only recorded ONE pound lost on MFP because the one from last week obviously stayed and so I have to wait another week to see if this pound stayed gone.

See my logic there?  No?  Yes?  Fine, I’m probably just crazy anyway.

I don’t have a real point in all this – I’m just catching you guys up on what I’ve been doing with my time (obsessing about food).  I would like to report that I have genuine muscle fatigue in my legs again – which is nice.  It’s been a while since I’ve felt that and I feel like I could get back in the game so to speak.

So yeah… thank goodness my tried and true methods are proving to still be effective.  I don’t know what I’d have done if it had suddenly just stopped working.  Scary.

 

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The Two Sides

I have my period.  It’s not anything necessarily noteworthy except for a couple of things:  First, I’m pretty sure I’m not going to see a loss for my weigh-in tomorrow (we all know TOM lovingly gives us some additional water bloat) and that really kind of sucks because I kicked ass this week with my exercise and my calorie counts.  All things being equal, I should lose at least a pound from last week… but I’m pretty sure I’m going to wake up tomorrow at 176.6 yet again and even though I know I’ll be down a whole bunch all at once… blah.  The second thing about my period is the hormones make me emotional and introspective and melancholy.

And with the hormones surging through my system, I’ve been sitting here all morning sort of thinking of all the things I miss.  This is when you expect some sort of message about how much I miss my grandmother, right?

Did I mention my period hormones make me shallow as well?

I woke up this morning craving breakfast.  Not an ordinary breakfast – but a meat lover’s skillet from the local diner.  YUM.  I have no idea how many calories such a thing contains.  An entire day’s worth?  Quite possibly that and then some.  And it got me to thinking about my weight loss and the things I miss.  I won’t list them all but let me spout off a few:  Obviously, eating a meat lover’s skillet without knowing how many calories it contained and not really caring.  I miss the way I had no idea eating 5 cookies was bad for you.  I mean, I knew they were sweets and thought it was mostly the sugar content that was bad.. not that eating 5 cookies meant you’d just inhaled 1500 calories or better.  I miss the solace and comfort I could find in food, coming home at the end of a stressful day and finding comfort in a bag of chips.  I miss staring at a quart of Ben & Jerry’s and not thinking that I should probably just forego the ice cream altogether.

See… stuff along that line.  Self-pity brought on my period hormones.  Seriously, I’m not this big of a whiner.

So then, as I was switching out a load of laundry and my side ached as I bent over into the washing machine, I began to think about the things I did not miss.  You know, like hating the way I looked in every photograph.  I don’t miss that.  I don’t miss feeling worried I won’t physically be able to do something.  I don’t miss feeling winded when I try to keep up walking with my friends.  I don’t miss gasping for air during a lecture.  I don’t miss feeling ashamed of my body.  I don’t miss how ugly I felt in the eyes of the public.  I don’t miss shopping at plus sized stores.  I don’t miss the lack of new experiences I had.  I don’t miss drifting through life without goals.

And really, aren’t both paragraphs up there filled with negative things?  I mean, who needs to find solace in food?  No one, that’s who.  Who needs to be ignorant of how many calories 5 cookies contain?  No one.  And I certainly don’t need to miss anything in the paragraph of things I don’t miss.

To put it simply, even though I’m whiny today and feeling sluggish because I’ve taken one day off exercise this week… I’m able to realize that my life has a lot less negativity in it these days.  I’m not perfect.  I don’t have all the answers.  I have so much more to learn… but the big deal here is… I’ve come so far from where I was.  My life is better now.  I am happier now.  I fear less.  I live more.

I hope you do too.

It’s like Jenga… only with your life

I ran into someone I sort of know recently.  I say sort of know because she used to be the receptionist at my chiropractor and while we are friendly, I wouldn’t say we are friends or anything.  However, she too went on a lifestyle change and lost a lot of weight a while back.  When I ran into her I told her she looked great and she admitted she’d not been doing so great lately and had gained 5 lbs.  I told her I could relate and joked about how, the moment you stop exercising… you suddenly start hating your body again.  And those 5 lbs?  Doesn’t matter if you used to weigh 50 lbs more, those 5 lbs make you feel like the heaviest woman on Earth.  We giggled and I told her Id’ recently found my workout groove again and told her she’d find hers again too.

You know, it’s one thing if the exercising stops.  However, what I’ve found is that once the exercise stops… the healthy eating slowly slips as well.  Folks, my eating over the past year has slid backwards in horrific ways.  That is… until I found my groove with this April exercise challenge.

Let me backtrack first.  Last week I clocked in at 10.5 hours and when the results came in…. I was a full 2 hours ahead of the closest competitor!  I was completely surprised and also completely thrilled.  I am determined to match last week’s time and, while I’ve had 2 days of short workouts, I haven’t taken any days off this week (and I did last week) so, I’m looking like I CAN get there… which is awesome.  I’d like to be the overall top competitor.

What I found this week has been really surprising:  I am craving good foods.  My breakfast has improved, my lunches have consisted of mostly fruits and veggies (and I’ve thrown in Greek yogurt which is totally yummy).  And dinner?  I craved salad all week long.  I didn’t have the stuff on hand to make a salad, mind you… but I wanted it badly.  I finally got my salad Thursday night in the form of a Wendy’s salad which included grilled chicken, pecans, apples and was so yummy I was in heaven.  Last night?  Same deal, I was craving salad again so I got another fast food salad, this time from Burger King.

So, as I’m sitting here right now I”m reading through my salad books (I’m horribly unimaginative when it comes to salads) for inspiration because I believe I should plan on eating a few salads for dinner this week.  It’s been a while since I’ve craved a good salad.  It’s been a while since I’ve looked ahead at the menu to see what kind of salads a restaurant has before agreeing to go out to eat, but I remember once doing so.

It’s amazing how everything sort of fits together.  If you remove one thing, it can all come toppling down.  Put that piece back in… and everything stabilizes.  I feel good about myself again.  I’m not thrilled with the extra weight, but I’m not throwing a girlie hissy fit in the morning when I get dressed, either.  I just feel GOOD.  And that’s the big difference, isn’t it?  When you’re working out there is no guilt to feel for not working out.  When you’re working out, your body craves the good stuff.  When you’re eating well and working out… life feels good.

And that, my friends, is where I am right now.  (Until my next post when I update you on the job search and rant and rave about crap I’m frustrated with.  haha.)