Dear Reader,

I haven’t posted much.  I think you guys should get used to me starting out every post with an apology for not having posted much.  However, this post is dedicated to one of my favorite readers.  The one who emails me her comments because she’s a private person and doesn’t put her stuff out there for everyone to see… and I dig that.  In fact, that’s how I am when I’m not blogging.  I’m not one of those people who wants everyone to hear their opinion or their advice.  I’m just not.

Anyway, dear reader… this one is for you.

It’s been a tough couple of years for me since my accident.  While it didn’t permanently mess me up, it made me stumble and slow down.  Slowing down made all of the bad habits in my life creep back up on me.  I let them, naturally, because they’re familiar and therefore “safe” and I know how those things work and aren’t we all tired of trying to figure out the next thing?

The issue is this: long after I could stop my slow down to recover, I lingered in my old life.  I ate too much, I avoided too many issues, I ate crap and junk food, and I stopped looking at who I want to be.

Why is it that everything in my life seems so connected?  You pull on one loose thread and the sweater of my life unravels and I run around pretending to look for my knitting needles but really just sneaking bites of chocolate in the pantry while no one is looking.

I knew my weight/exercise/personal issues were all related.  My weight loss was just as much a journey of emotional release and trekking through emotional mud and swamps as it was learning a new way to live my life, finding what works for me and trying not to be afraid.  I just didn’t expect everything to unravel so easily.  I could say I haven’t blogged because I’ve been busy – and I have.  I could say I haven’t blogged because I’ve been distracted – and I have.

The truth is that I haven’t blogged because blogging, for me, is a form of self reflection and I don’t necessarily like myself right now.  

Oh sure, I mean I like myself just fine.  I’m still besties with myself.  But I know I could be better.  I know I could be dealing with issues that I have and face some demons in my life who have been patiently waiting for me to come and slay them. (Honestly, I have some very polite demons.  Maybe if I stopped seeing them as demons I could start making progress, eh?)  I know that blogging about my life means I will likely start looking at it through a magnifying glass again and I already know what I’ll see and I’m just freaking scared of everything I have to do.

So yeah, it comes down to fear.  Do we ever escape fear?  Fear of pain. Fear of challenge and adversity.  Fear of failure. Fear of loss.  Fear of being nothing to anyone.  Fear of being alone.  Fear of being lonely even if I’m not alone.  Fear of who I am and who I’m turning out to be.

I ramble a lot, don’t I?

Dear Reader whose emails I always welcome with a smile, I can’t profess to know what you’re going through.  I can’t profess to know what you’re up against or what you’ve had to face.  All I can say is you’re not alone, you’re not the only one taking a look at something and going “oh crap, that could be describing me” and feeling a punch in the gut.  Knowledge is power.  It enables you to act.  It enables you to move forward.  It enables you to take control.  It doesn’t matter how slow or fast you move forward…. just move in that direction.  I’ll be somewhere out there moving forward as well (sometimes at the pace of 1/25 of a snail’s rate… but I’ll be doing it.  And so will you.

 

 

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One thing I’m not so good at…

…is talking about craziness as it is happening.

There’s just so much going on in my life right now and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared of absolutely all of it, even the good stuff.  As usual, when I don’t have a firm handle on things (my idea of a handle, anyway) I tend to withdraw until I’ve figured it all out.

I’ve sat on my blog countless times trying to will myself to write a post.

You just can’t force it though, ya know?

This short post is a sign that I’m coming out the other side, that things are dying down, and that I’m returning to something close to normal – although I’ll tell ya, not much is going to feel normal in the next few months.

Things I need to update you on and will asap:

  1. The April exercise challenge.
  2. The job hunt.
  3. My mom.

I think that’s all that is insanely crazy at the moment, but trust me, it is enough.  Until next time (which I hope will be this weekend) please know I’m still here and I’m still going to write…. It’s just that I’m facing some serious hurricanes at the moment and I need all of my emotional energy to deal with it… not much left for anything else.  I’m sure you guys get it.

Reality sinks in

You know how you have those moments of confidence which are strong enough to send you surging forward, determined to tackle any obstacle which threatens to hold you back?

And you know how, once that confidence fades, you’re suddenly stricken with insecurities about the path you’ve just set yourself upon?

I’m feeling that right now.  I spent spring break realizing that a job change likely means me moving.  A job change means I have to interview.  A job change means I have to fill out this ridiculously long online application which requires me to do background research on myself because I cannot remember the answer to some of these incredibly probing questions. (Seriously, am I running for president here?)  Quite frankly, all of it has left me feeling horribly insecure.  Am I really ready to move on?  Am I really ready to start making these finite decisions?

The answer is obviously yes, else I wouldn’t have started down this path.  It’s just hard.  (Ok, scary.  I’m scared.)

On the exercise front… April marks the annual exercise challenge at my chiropractor’s office.  I’m going to be trying to put in as much time as possible while not totally overdoing it.

I’m still doing relatively well on the exercise front.  I did take two days off this week but they were mainly weather related.  Other than that, I’ve even gone out and put in my run time with a headache. I’m still painfully slow with running.  It’s a combination of what my back can handle and what my fitness level can handle.

My C25K app I downloaded ages ago has updated to include a slightly modified version of the program with week 1 having 30 second, 45 second, and 60 second intervals instead of all 60 seconds.  I’ve been pushing myself with those over the past week and boy does it kick my butt!

Prior to doing the intervals, I was running a very slow (4.2 mph) half mile, walking 1/4 mile, and then running a likely even slower half mile.  I wasn’t capable of running (jogging?) a full mile but I felt confident I could get there.

Well, today I got there.  I’m slow, but I’ve always been slow.  My average pace was 4.8 mph and I”m ok with that for right now.  I felt ok afterward.  My back wasn’t completely gone and I was definitely winded, but I wasn’t dying.

All in all, I feel good about it.

With the increase in physical activity coming up in April, I’m not sure what sort of improvement I can expect in the next month, but I’m hoping I’ll be able to at least run 2 miles at this pace by the end of April.  I’m not trying to work miracles here, I’m just trying to rebuild.  You know?

I plan to throw in some cycling, some Curves time, a lot of walking, and of course the running and jogging this next month.  I really want to be a serious contender for a top contestant.  I want to be the top in my team and I’m determined to do it!

It isn’t so dark in here after all….

When I wrote my last post, I was feeling out of sorts.  Lots of changes going on, my friend, lots of changes… and from an individual whose main goal in life as a child/teen was “to be normal and stable” this is exactly the kind of thing which could send me into fits.

However, the opposite has happened.  I don’t want to go into too much detail as I’m perpetually worried about getting in trouble by writing about job-related things.  But… keeping that in mind, I’ve had a really good week.  I’ve had things occur which have made me feel wonderful about myself and my accomplishments within my profession.  People have come forward and said such wonderful things about me and I am forever in their debt.

Why?  Not only have they given me a personal pick-me-up when my personal morale had hit an all-time low… but they’ve made me look at my current situation in a whole new light.  I’m now seeing the positives of potentially leaving my current job for a new one.  I’m seeing the potential for really great things to happen.  I’m reminded by a post written by a blogging friend of mine.  She was running a race with her husband and she had started to slow down and he asked “Are you ok?”  She replied “Yes, but I’m going to run out of steam before the finish, I can’t keep this pace up.”  And he replied… “But what if you can?”

And she did.  She went on to finish having run the whole thing at a pace faster than she thought possible.

What if I really can have an improved work environment?  What if I really can get a number of things I have on my mental checklist of “I wish I could’s”?  What if leaving won’t find me miserable at a new job… but instead insanely happy?  What if, by leaving, I open myself up to the opportunities I didn’t realize I had?

So, to those people who have lifted me up and said such wonderful things… Again, thank you so much.  You’ve given me the boost I needed to change my emotional climate from fear to hope and excitement.  Thank you so much.