As I sit here beginning this post, it doesn’t have a title. Hell, it doesn’t even have a clear direction or content. I just know it has been absolutely forever since I’ve posted and I also know I have an urge to write something. Let’s sum up my life:
Weight: Climbing. I haven’t been able to get it together. I keep eating whatever, whenever, and not exercising more than 2-3 times a week…. which wouldn’t be so bad if I were really hitting it hard… which I’m not. As a result I feel fat, I hate all of my clothes, and I want to cut off the fat composing my lower stomach. I tried on a pair of jeans the other day and it was as if they were designed to accentuate the lower belly flab I have. Like “Yooo hooo! Don’t you think this is sexxxsay?” Seriously, I’ve thought about taking some scissors to it but I’m pretty sure that is not the way to go.
Work: I’m busy. I’m so incredibly busy. I’m stupidly busy. And January starts up Academic Bowl season where I will have even more to do. I’m pretty sure I’m at my limit of things I can handle. I cannot sign up for any more committees, I cannot spend any more time helping my coworkers problem solve their class issues, I cannot spend any extra time creating new stuff for the class I’ve taught before. Everything I have second semester will be devoted to staying afloat in the classes which are new, doing work for all these freaking committees I find myself a part of, and trying not to feel overwhelmed with everything I have to do. There is this huge part of me that just wants to resign from everything extra and enjoy a month or two of being able to go home after work and just… be at home. No extra meetings before going home… no work to do once I get home…. no stack of papers waiting for me to grade… no last minute tweaks to activities to make them better… no endless searching for cheap supplies to do things with.
Love: My love life sucks. I can’t even talk about it.
Extras: I’m having a hard time connecting with my mom these days. I’ve always been able to call her up and have a decent conversation but lately, I just haven’t been able to do it. She’s been annoying me. I think it has something to do with her living with my sister and all these notions about mom just needing a helping hand to get on her feet evaporating in the wake of it. My mom will never be able to support herself living on her own. And worse yet, she’s in such a state of denial about that. She doesn’t make enough money to pay her bills, she doesn’t tell anyone when she’s in trouble, when she does have money she spends it immediately on crazy, inane shit…. And let’s not get into the hygiene issue. I don’t know what to do about my mom and I don’t know how to get over the disappointment I feel that she can’t take care of herself. Even worse, I’m more disappointed that I didn’t see that until now. She’s always been this way, I’ve just been in denial myself.
I have also taken up cookie decorating. I say this like I’ve been doing it for ages now but in reality, I’m two batches in to the whole endeavor. I needed a hobby. One that wouldn’t make me feel poorly if I didn’t do it for a week or two (like exercise), and one that forced me to slow down and spend some time in the moment… because I haven’t been present in the moment since this school year started… and I used to be pretty good at living in the now while still planning for the future… that is just gone right now and so I needed something. Plus, someone said to me “You’re only as interesting as your hobbies.” Now, they weren’t insulting me at the time but I really couldn’t let that statement go because I took a look at my hobbies and found myself lacking one. I used to be really into jogging but I haven’t been able to get back into it since the accident… and aside from that… my real hobbies are reading books to escape reality and talking to my cat and I realized I am not very interesting by anyone’s standards. So I got inspired and just dove in to the whole cookie thing.
And that, my friends, pretty much brings you up to date. I’ll try to write more as blogging USED to be a hobby of mine.