What am I resisting?

So I’ve been calorie counting for nearly all of June.  I’ve logged in to MyFitnessPal faithfully every day except for 3 days when I got together with my sisters (and ate about a full pound of extra calories).

And you know something?

There are days when I really scare myself.  Days when I get the urge to just sit down on the couch with something incredibly unhealthy – or even not so incredibly unhealthy – and NOT log it.

And it’s really incredibly strange because it’s not as though I’m only eating healthy foods – I’m not.  I eat my fair share of ice cream and chips – I’m just doing it within my calorie limits.  And honestly, I may not even eat all that much of it.  The feeling is there because I’m resisting being controlled…. or controlling myself… I don’t know.

I didn’t feel this way before, when I’d sit down at the beginning of the day and plan out my meals and tally up the calories.  I never felt like I wanted to rebel against the rigor.  I think the difference is that I’m doing it on my phone and I”m logging as I go.  Thus, every time I put food in my mouth, I’m forced to log it.  And I think it’s making me think more about they WHY of when I’m eating.  There are times when I know I’m not actually hungry and I’m eating because I’m bored and that is truly annoying to log.

So yeah, I’m feeling the urge to rebel and I’m fighting against it.  I’ve plenty of calories, I don’t feel deprived of food, I’m rarely hungry… there is no reason to change what I’m doing.  I just have to struggle through the discomfort of looking at the whys behind what I eat and when I eat it.  And I have to absolutely look into the eyes of the knowledge that I absolutely COULD eat less most days and own that.  No more can I sit here and think that I can’t be smaller than a size 12 because I could never sustain that low calorie eating for a lifetime…. It’s looking like I COULD… and that’s pretty scary.

It will never cease to amaze me what a journey weight loss is.  The numbers on the scale have always only been a small portion of it.