For the record, I remembered my password on the first try.

You know that moment when you return to a website you haven’t visited in quite some time and it asks for your password and your palms get all sweaty because you KNOW you made this password different than your normal go-to group of passwords and you also KNOW you spelled a certain word all wonky in your password and you’re not quite sure how you spelled it and you also KNOW you created a separate email account for that website and you’re pretty sure it has the same password as that website so even if you were to try a password reset you wouldn’t be able to do one anyway because the email would go to an account you can’t access?

Well.

I just had that moment with this blog.

Needless to say, it’s been a while.

In all honesty, I haven’t been the best blogger here.  I’m not certain I even have any readers… which is ok because I’m pretty sure the kind of blog stuff I write about is more like a journal than a diary and I’m ok with that.

Whatever the case, I’d like for that whole… absent blogger thing to change.  You see, I’ve been in a downward spiral of sorts lately.  I’ve exercised so infrequently I’m back to being a whiner whenever I do attempt exercise.  I’ve let fear stand in the way of attempting to jog/run again – mainly due to that failed summer when I tried and tried but could never get it off the ground.  I’ve gained weight of epic proportions – probably due to reverting back to my favorite coping mechanism: food.  It could also have something to do with this serious sugar thing I’ve got going on where I think I’ve trained by brain to demand sugar immediately after eating.  “Oh, you’ve finished a big meal?  GIVE ME SUGAR, BITCH!”  That’s how it feels.  

So how does all of the above add up to me not being an absent blogger?  Well, I’ve decided to try my hand at getting back into the game.  I’m going to attempt to stop all the bad habits, get back into exercise, start eating properly again, track my calories, and do the blogging thing.  It was all a winning combination for me before, I’m hoping it will be again.

So here goes nothing, eh?  🙂

 

Every Day is a Struggle

It’s been a long time since I’ve hated a job.

Just last year, I loved my job.  This year, I hate it.  Thanks, new boss!  Hating my job is stressful.  It’s been an incredibly long time since I’ve dreaded going in to work.  I’m the girl who arrives an hour early, remember?  And I still do… but the entire time I’m getting ready, I dread getting there.

My last post was about how much I dislike my new boss so I don’t want to let him monopolize this one as well but… this is what is going on in my life.  It impacts everything in my life.  I’m passionate about what I do and so, when someone screws with that, it really sets me back.  I have no energy when I come home.  So… I don’t work out.  What do I do instead?  Oh yeah, I eat.  That coping mechanism I’ve known since I was all of 3 years old rears its ugly head again.

To make matters more complicated, I’m having some issues with my gluteus medius.  It hurts a lot.  It hurts when I sit too long.  It hurts when I bend at the waist.  It hurts when I maneuver around in certain ways.  And obviously, this makes me want to work out less also.  Not working out leads to negative body imagine and weight gain.

Weight gain leads to me hating myself.  Ok, I don’t actually hate myself…. but I do hate my body right now.

I really need to do something about that.

At least the cookies are doing well

frankie1 f2 photo (32)

Dear Reader,

I haven’t posted much.  I think you guys should get used to me starting out every post with an apology for not having posted much.  However, this post is dedicated to one of my favorite readers.  The one who emails me her comments because she’s a private person and doesn’t put her stuff out there for everyone to see… and I dig that.  In fact, that’s how I am when I’m not blogging.  I’m not one of those people who wants everyone to hear their opinion or their advice.  I’m just not.

Anyway, dear reader… this one is for you.

It’s been a tough couple of years for me since my accident.  While it didn’t permanently mess me up, it made me stumble and slow down.  Slowing down made all of the bad habits in my life creep back up on me.  I let them, naturally, because they’re familiar and therefore “safe” and I know how those things work and aren’t we all tired of trying to figure out the next thing?

The issue is this: long after I could stop my slow down to recover, I lingered in my old life.  I ate too much, I avoided too many issues, I ate crap and junk food, and I stopped looking at who I want to be.

Why is it that everything in my life seems so connected?  You pull on one loose thread and the sweater of my life unravels and I run around pretending to look for my knitting needles but really just sneaking bites of chocolate in the pantry while no one is looking.

I knew my weight/exercise/personal issues were all related.  My weight loss was just as much a journey of emotional release and trekking through emotional mud and swamps as it was learning a new way to live my life, finding what works for me and trying not to be afraid.  I just didn’t expect everything to unravel so easily.  I could say I haven’t blogged because I’ve been busy – and I have.  I could say I haven’t blogged because I’ve been distracted – and I have.

The truth is that I haven’t blogged because blogging, for me, is a form of self reflection and I don’t necessarily like myself right now.  

Oh sure, I mean I like myself just fine.  I’m still besties with myself.  But I know I could be better.  I know I could be dealing with issues that I have and face some demons in my life who have been patiently waiting for me to come and slay them. (Honestly, I have some very polite demons.  Maybe if I stopped seeing them as demons I could start making progress, eh?)  I know that blogging about my life means I will likely start looking at it through a magnifying glass again and I already know what I’ll see and I’m just freaking scared of everything I have to do.

So yeah, it comes down to fear.  Do we ever escape fear?  Fear of pain. Fear of challenge and adversity.  Fear of failure. Fear of loss.  Fear of being nothing to anyone.  Fear of being alone.  Fear of being lonely even if I’m not alone.  Fear of who I am and who I’m turning out to be.

I ramble a lot, don’t I?

Dear Reader whose emails I always welcome with a smile, I can’t profess to know what you’re going through.  I can’t profess to know what you’re up against or what you’ve had to face.  All I can say is you’re not alone, you’re not the only one taking a look at something and going “oh crap, that could be describing me” and feeling a punch in the gut.  Knowledge is power.  It enables you to act.  It enables you to move forward.  It enables you to take control.  It doesn’t matter how slow or fast you move forward…. just move in that direction.  I’ll be somewhere out there moving forward as well (sometimes at the pace of 1/25 of a snail’s rate… but I’ll be doing it.  And so will you.

 

 

I have blog issues

Seriously, everyone… I have blog issues.

I start a blog, go at it like crazy for a while and then when my interests change, I feel as though I have to change my blog.  So I make a new one.

Or, I spend the time I used to spend blogging feeling guilty about not blogging.  So I just don’t blog and nothing gets done.

The truth is…. This blog was supposed to be a fun project with a couple of friends and myself.  It was supposed to be about life in general.  And, when they weren’t as enthused as I was… well… I kept feeling as though I should start a different blog.  And then, when I became obsessed with cookie decorating… I felt as though my life didn’t fit this blog anymore.

How can a blog about my life in general not fit my latest obsession?

Seriously, y’all.  I have some blog issues.

So, starting today, with this post I am just going to start blogging here again.  I’m going to forget that Sarah and Beth are also supposed to be blogging here and I’m going to pretend maybe they DO also blog here. 

Aren’t you so lucky?

And, if you’d like to see my cookie obsession first-hand, please feel free to visit my flickr page: http://www.flickr.com/photos/microcosms/

Until tomorrow, my friends!

Instead

I was about to write a post but I realized I need to go fire the girl who cleans my house instead.

You would fire her too.  I asked her once why she wasn’t mopping my bathroom floors and her response was “they didn’t look dirty.”

Apparently, it doesn’t matter that I’m paying her to do it.

This last time she “cleaned”?  She neglected to dust, to even sweep the bathroom floors, to de-hair the furniture, to tell me she’d used the last of the cat pee pads for the litter system, and she failed to take the garbage out of two of the bedrooms.

Ugh.

My punctuation and grammar sucks.

I’m writing this blog to write. If periods, commas or semicolons don’t appear where they belong it is because I’m more concerned with what I’m writing about then little dots and dashes. If I get my point across that’s what matters right? I’m going to be using spell check and all that good shit. But if it doesn’t get picked up oh well. Dont judge me. If I have to worry about this being editorially correct then I’m going to lose my spark and probably my train of thought. If this bothers you that much Beth you can be my editor. KIDDING!

I will be treating this blog somewhat of a diary all ramblings, bitching, and sloppiness will be from the heart. ♥

(Seriously though if you want to pop in to a post and put spaces after my periods I wont be mad at you XD)