I don’t have much to say.

This winter has been a bit on the brutal side (ok… a lot on the brutal side) and I’m still plugging away as best as I can.  Luckily, the light box seems to be doing its trick and I’m not horribly depressed.  Though seriously, I thought I might be headed that direction when I finally weighed in.

Ok – let me back up the train.  In one of my last two posts I was all “I’m staying away from sugar!!”  And then I babysat my nephew and the stupid candied popcorn I’d bought from my other nephew months earlier was delivered to me and I totally ate some.  I don’t know how many servings I actually ate that day/night but I do know the first thing I did when I got home was weigh out the servings so I knew exactly how much I was eating (seriously, buying a kitchen scale is marvelous).  There was a serious part of me that considered just eating the rest of the popcorn and moving forward.  You know, eating it all in one day.  HELLO SUGAR!  I didn’t do that.  I did, however, eat some when I got up in the middle of the night and (luckily maybe) I woke up with stomach flu and blamed it on that stupid popcorn and so I threw the rest of it away.

And that is why I hate candied popcorn now.  I’m happy.

Anyway,  I’d been doing the whole calorie counting and food logging thing on MFP for about two weeks before I finally had the courage to weigh myself.  But I finally did and was all like “ok, I can move on from here.”

And then I had a rather brutal week and I didn’t exercise but I was still confident I should have lost weight.  And when I weighed myself it would seem as though I had.  And here’s the thing…. I like to be a week behind in claiming my loss to be “official” – meaning I don’t put it into MFP until the next week.  Why?  Because I’m crazy and also scared of reporting something that isn’t true.


So I chalked it up to a crazy scale the day before and figured I hadn’t lost any weight.  Which was sad for me.  It made me feel bad about myself and it made me lose a bit of willpower and motivation.  I did exercise a couple of times last week but nothing like I should have… because, you know… I was just sad.

And then I weighed myself today and I appear to be down two pounds.  Which is just freaking awesome. 😀  So now I’m happy.

But I only recorded ONE pound lost on MFP because the one from last week obviously stayed and so I have to wait another week to see if this pound stayed gone.

See my logic there?  No?  Yes?  Fine, I’m probably just crazy anyway.

I don’t have a real point in all this – I’m just catching you guys up on what I’ve been doing with my time (obsessing about food).  I would like to report that I have genuine muscle fatigue in my legs again – which is nice.  It’s been a while since I’ve felt that and I feel like I could get back in the game so to speak.

So yeah… thank goodness my tried and true methods are proving to still be effective.  I don’t know what I’d have done if it had suddenly just stopped working.  Scary.


At what age?

There’s a lot of hate out there for the overweight.

I recently read a blog where the blogger was voicing their opinion of charging more for health insurance for those who are overweight and smokers.  There are a lot of people clamoring for an increased health insurance premium for the overweight.  I’m always struck by how fiercely those people speak out against the overweight – such animosity!

And let’s face it… in our society…. being overweight is something which is seen as shameful.  In fact, shaming the overweight is a common daily occurrence in every town in America.  Every.  Single.  Town.

Add to this that I’m back to tracking calories and so I’m perusing the MyFitnessPal message boards just to get my mind into the game of weight loss and already I have to step back from the message boards because there are so many incredibly fit people there degrading others who ask for advice.  Now most of them don’t mean to be anything but helpful but some of those people cannot possibly fathom what it’s like to be very overweight and just starting out.  You’re new, you’re scared you’re going to fail just like every time before, and you’re looking for advice.  Just today someone posted that they couldn’t find where to enter their walking as exercise and someone posted back that it was rubbish to log your walking anyway as that wasn’t a real workout.  (Trust me, I had to hold myself back from finding the medical article which stated real facts where walking was better for your overall health than running.)

See… there was someone looking for help on weight loss and exercise and instead of help… they faced what they’ve been facing for a while now… ridicule.

What I’d like to know is… at what age does it become acceptable to shame the overweight?

I doubt many of us would blame a 2 year old child for being overweight.  Rather, we would blame their parents.  So how about a 6 year old?  Do we want to explain to a 6 year old that they are overweight and begin giving them body issues which may develop into an eating disorder?  12 years old?  15?

Let’s face it folks, even if you wait until the age of 18 you’re being an asshole.  Someone who was raised in an unhealthy eating/living environment has developed their unhealthy relationship with food early on – and has lived with those disordered eating habits for years by the time they are 18.

Let’s look at my life.  I was never exposed to the concept of moderation.  You want it?  Eat it.  It never occurred to me that desserts shouldn’t be a regular part of life.  You know what wasn’t a regular part of life?  Vegetables.  I was pretty certain I hated vegetables.  And salads.  Gross.

When I went off to college I continued my disordered eating.  There were plenty of others around doing the same and so it just never clicked.  And when I moved out on my own?  I made the foods I grew up on.  Fried potatoes.  Lots and lots of fried potatoes.  I ate fried potatoes nearly every night growing up.  And yes, they are delicious.

My point here is that I find it absolutely ridiculous how easily people feel it’s perfectly find to shame the overweight.  They like to oversimplify as well.  “All you have to do is exercise and eat less.”  It’s really not that simple.  My dysfunctional relationship with food is a permanent part of me.  Habits are hard to overcome.  Many of us have deep seated emotional roots in our eating.  How dare anyone think it’s just ok to point a finger and call me fat and lazy?  Where was DCFS swooping in to rescue me from the eating habits my parents were teaching me?

If you wouldn’t do it to a 5 year old, don’t do it to an adult.  Have the common sense that these behaviors were learned and practiced for YEARS before that person became an adult.  Nested in those behaviors are there stress coping mechanisms, their depression coping mechanisms, their memories of their parents and their home… It’s not simple so shut your  mouth and offer support – not shame.

I hate you, sugar!

I threw away a cookie last night.

I’ve been what I call “on the wagon” since Saturday.  I’ve been logging my calories on MyFitnessPal and making sure I exercise (even if it is just walking) every day.  On Monday I went into work for interviews and staring at me on my desk was a cup full of M & M’s left there carelessly when I went home on the 19th.  I didn’t eat them.  I didn’t eat any of them.  I was totally proud.

As someone who has an incredibly unhealthy relationship with sugar, I know I need to greatly rework the way I view sugar in my everyday eating.  What was once mostly restricted to an unhealthy love of ice cream has branched out into other categories.  The cookies I decorate, chocolate, peanut brittle, caramel sauce, sugary Starbucks beverages… you name it… I have a weakness for it.  It needs to stop.  I need to put sugar back where it belongs: as an occasional treat.  I am not one of the lucky ones with the metabolism/genetic makeup/natural intuition who can moderate my food intake inherently.  I am not one of those people who just don’t get hungry later if I have a big meal at noon.  Eating sugar any time of the day just makes me crave more sugar.

When I started logging my calories again and making an effort to eat healthier, I didn’t set out to go through a sugar detox.  But I did notice that I didn’t go over the grams of sugar goal MyFitnessPal set for me.  In fact, there were 3 days in a row that I didn’t go over that goal.

I have to admit, I was pretty shocked.

That sugar goal has always seemed incredibly low to me.   As a person who lost 50 lbs eating mostly what I want (which included a mini ice cream after dinner every day), I was always over on the sugar.  I would look at the stats and just be dumbfounded as to how anyone would ever be able to stay at such a low sugar goal.  I mean…. sugar is EVERYWHERE, isn’t it?

Yeah, apparently not.

I did go over on sugar the other day – due to a sweet potato… but I’m not going to sweat that at all.  I have also had two squares of dark chocolate sometime in the past few days.  I’m not going to sweat that either.  In fact, I think both days I had the chocolate were days I didn’t go over on sugar.

So last night, my body started to retaliate.  I’d eaten dinner.  I even had stomach cramps though I’m still not certain why.  I almost never have stomach issues (I swear, it’s one of the perks of eating horribly for most of your life… your stomach can handle all sorts of junk).  Even as I sat there with my stomach feeling uncomfortable I began to daydream of sugar.

I seriously had several internal conversations with myself that went something like this:

“You are 230 calories under your goal today, you could totally eat 1/3 of that extra cookie out there.”

“You’re right… I totally could….. no… wait… I’m trying to only have desserts and stuff on special occasions.”

“You realize that eliminates Starbucks from your life.”


“How about making a mug cake?  How many calories in that?”  *Google search*

“Only 80 calories?  I can totally make one of those!  Heck, I could make two!”

“And THAT is exactly why I shouldn’t.  I went from having one to having two within half a second of realizing I could fit it into my calories.  NOT COOL.”

“Fine, just take a BITE of the cookie then.”

“You know what?  I’m going to have some peppermint tea.”

The whole time I drank the peppermint tea I was wondering how long I’d have to wait after I was finished until the peppermint taste wouldn’t ruin the taste of the cookie.

“Maybe half the cookie…..”

At which point I ran out into the kitchen, picked up the cookie, and hurled it into the garbage with enough force to knock it down toward the bottom of the trash…. because had it landed on top on a piece of relatively clean looking paper… I’d still be in danger.

After that, it was just over.  No idea why the mug cake wasn’t still calling my name but the simple act of me throwing out that cookie told my brain NO.  And let me tell you, when I was running out there to throw out that cookie I knew there was a distinct possibility I might lift it to my mouth instead.

I also may or may not have emitted some sort of battle cry as I threw it in the garbage.  I cannot confirm or deny.