I haven’t posted much. I think you guys should get used to me starting out every post with an apology for not having posted much. However, this post is dedicated to one of my favorite readers. The one who emails me her comments because she’s a private person and doesn’t put her stuff out there for everyone to see… and I dig that. In fact, that’s how I am when I’m not blogging. I’m not one of those people who wants everyone to hear their opinion or their advice. I’m just not.
Anyway, dear reader… this one is for you.
It’s been a tough couple of years for me since my accident. While it didn’t permanently mess me up, it made me stumble and slow down. Slowing down made all of the bad habits in my life creep back up on me. I let them, naturally, because they’re familiar and therefore “safe” and I know how those things work and aren’t we all tired of trying to figure out the next thing?
The issue is this: long after I could stop my slow down to recover, I lingered in my old life. I ate too much, I avoided too many issues, I ate crap and junk food, and I stopped looking at who I want to be.
Why is it that everything in my life seems so connected? You pull on one loose thread and the sweater of my life unravels and I run around pretending to look for my knitting needles but really just sneaking bites of chocolate in the pantry while no one is looking.
I knew my weight/exercise/personal issues were all related. My weight loss was just as much a journey of emotional release and trekking through emotional mud and swamps as it was learning a new way to live my life, finding what works for me and trying not to be afraid. I just didn’t expect everything to unravel so easily. I could say I haven’t blogged because I’ve been busy – and I have. I could say I haven’t blogged because I’ve been distracted – and I have.
The truth is that I haven’t blogged because blogging, for me, is a form of self reflection and I don’t necessarily like myself right now.
Oh sure, I mean I like myself just fine. I’m still besties with myself. But I know I could be better. I know I could be dealing with issues that I have and face some demons in my life who have been patiently waiting for me to come and slay them. (Honestly, I have some very polite demons. Maybe if I stopped seeing them as demons I could start making progress, eh?) I know that blogging about my life means I will likely start looking at it through a magnifying glass again and I already know what I’ll see and I’m just freaking scared of everything I have to do.
So yeah, it comes down to fear. Do we ever escape fear? Fear of pain. Fear of challenge and adversity. Fear of failure. Fear of loss. Fear of being nothing to anyone. Fear of being alone. Fear of being lonely even if I’m not alone. Fear of who I am and who I’m turning out to be.
I ramble a lot, don’t I?
Dear Reader whose emails I always welcome with a smile, I can’t profess to know what you’re going through. I can’t profess to know what you’re up against or what you’ve had to face. All I can say is you’re not alone, you’re not the only one taking a look at something and going “oh crap, that could be describing me” and feeling a punch in the gut. Knowledge is power. It enables you to act. It enables you to move forward. It enables you to take control. It doesn’t matter how slow or fast you move forward…. just move in that direction. I’ll be somewhere out there moving forward as well (sometimes at the pace of 1/25 of a snail’s rate… but I’ll be doing it. And so will you.