They have this absolutely horrible effect on my body. For example, when I take birth control… I wind up seriously depressed, sobbing in my shower while singing Tori Amos songs and then going straight to bed. Or… I wind up transitioning from screaming at someone for absolutely nothing to crying because a commercial just came on TV and that dad really loves his son.
Yes. I am potentially insane when I take birth control pills.
However, I also get mildly depressed during my period. It starts out with me being… clingy. I need more reassurance than normal. I fish for praise. I fish for compliments. I become convinced people hate me when I don’t get both of those things. Sometimes I cry if I don’t get enough text messages from a certain someone.
But the period thing goes away and with it so do my blues. Currently I carry a prescription of xanax I can take if things get to be a bit much for me during that time.
Why is any of this relevant to my current life? Well. I tried emergency contraception. For a day or so after it I felt clingy. No big deal. And then… instead of ovulating… I had a period… which is a normal side effect.
What isn’t normal? Oh… the fact that my eyes kept crying for a good 24 hours. Literally constantly watering and never more than 2 seconds from an actual sob, I cried for about 24 hours straight. I convinced myself that no one loves me. No one really cares about me. I stayed in bed for almost 48 hours. And no… I did not shower or change clothes or even my panties.
Sexy, I know.
What is absolutely frightening to me, now that I’m nearly back to normal, is how I KNOW on some level that it is just the hormones messing with me…. and yet I absolutely cannot “snap out of it.” It’s the absolute worst for the girl who logics away most of her negative emotions. (Not that I don’t acknowledge them, I just prefer to realize that most of the people in my life do NOT set out to upset me and thus I shouldn’t feel personally slightest when they don’t do what I expected/wanted/needed.)
So, needless to say, I had a rough weekend. It’s nice to be out of bed…. kinda. I mean.. I have showered but I haven’t exactly put on a new outfit yet today.
Maybe I should go shower….