Am I codependent?

Way back when the ex and I went to marriage counseling, our first counselor gave me a book titled “Codependent No More.”  At the time I didn’t see a whole lot of myself in the book.  Sure, there was a thing or two I could relate to but as far as my marriage went, I didn’t relate to the book.

Fast forward a couple of years and I’m beginning to reexamine that notion.  And it’s scary.

 

HERE ARE A FEW CHARACTERISTICS OF CODEPENDENTS: 

– Feel most comfortable when they are giving
– Find needy people to take care of
– Try to please others instead of themselves
– Have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility
– Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem
– Wonder why people don’t do for them
– Feel victimized by the “selfishness” of others
– Try to be all things to all people all the time
– Have difficulty saying “no” and/or setting boundaries
– Feel empty and bored when they are not involved in a crisis
– Seek out chaos and then complain about it
– Get angry when somebody refuses their help or doesn’t take their advice
– Tend of have a self-esteem that is connected to “doing”
– Try to prove that they are good enough to be loved
– Are afraid of making mistakes
– Are easily offended by other’s “rudeness” or “insincerity” or “uncaring attitude”
– Can become self-righteous with phrases like “I would NEVER do that….”
– Try to be perfect, and expect others to be perfect
– Have self-blame and put themselves down
– Must be in control at all times


I took the liberty of making all the ones I relate to bold.  I’ve often referred to myself as a “caretaker” and while I find a lot of pride in my ability to respond to the needs of others, I wonder if the reasoning behind it is a need to fulfill my own self worth.  I also struggle with the idea that I am worthy of being loved.  Love seems a difficult subject for me.  I don’t always feel like I deserve it and I always feel as though one wrong move could lead to the end of a relationship.  I put a lot of pressure on myself, feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility for nearly everything (especially at work), and I try to be perfect.  I also have this habit of taking charge of everything I have my hands in.  If I’m not going to be in control of it, I usually take a very minimal role.

I don’t know if these things mean I have some of the signs of being codependent or if they mean I have some personality traits that are compatible with being codependent.  I just know that, when it comes to a romantic relationship, I like being able to take care of someone, and I am constantly surprised when I find they want to give something back to me.

Whatever the case, this is the issue I’m currently mulling over in my head.  Being more aware can’t hurt, right?  In the meantime I am going out of town to celebrate the arrival of my new nephew who is entering the world via scheduled c-section tomorrow morning.  I am super excited!

Is anyone out there codependent?  Does anyone else out there suspect they are?  Anybody working through it?

Hormones

Hormones.

They have this absolutely horrible effect on my body.  For example, when I take birth control… I wind up seriously depressed, sobbing in my shower while singing Tori Amos songs and then going straight to bed.  Or… I wind up transitioning from screaming at someone for absolutely nothing to crying because a commercial just came on TV and that dad really loves his son.

Yes.  I am potentially insane when I take birth control pills.

However, I also get mildly depressed during my period.  It starts out with me being… clingy.  I need more reassurance than normal.  I fish for praise.  I fish for compliments.  I become convinced people hate me when I don’t get both of those things.  Sometimes I cry if I don’t get enough text messages from a certain someone.

But the period thing goes away and with it so do my blues.  Currently I carry a prescription of xanax I can take if things get to be a bit much for me during that time.

Why is any of this relevant to my current life?  Well.  I tried emergency contraception.  For a day or so after it I felt clingy.  No big deal.  And then… instead of ovulating… I had a period… which is a normal side effect.

What isn’t normal?  Oh… the fact that my eyes kept crying for a good 24 hours.  Literally constantly watering and never more than 2 seconds from an actual sob, I cried for about 24 hours straight.  I convinced myself that no one loves me.  No one really cares about me.  I stayed in bed for almost 48 hours.  And no… I did not shower or change clothes or even my panties.

Sexy, I know.

What is absolutely frightening to me, now that I’m nearly back to normal, is how I KNOW on some level that it is just the hormones messing with me…. and yet I absolutely cannot “snap out of it.”  It’s the absolute worst for the girl who logics away most of her negative emotions.  (Not that I don’t acknowledge them, I just prefer to realize that most of the people in my life do NOT set out to upset me and thus I shouldn’t feel personally slightest when they don’t do what I expected/wanted/needed.)

So, needless to say, I had a rough weekend.  It’s nice to be out of bed…. kinda.  I mean.. I have showered but I haven’t exactly put on a new outfit yet today.

Maybe I should go shower….